Migraine

Pain. Pain.

My head is in pain.

Stabbing right behind my right eye.

Run to the bathroom . . . again.  Sick.

Bloated, achey. Pain.

Curl up in bed. With an icepack on my face. Can't move. don't move. Moving hurts.

Relief starts to wash over me as I drift off to  . . .

Baby cries. Pain. Noise. Pain. Movement. Pain.

Husband gets baby.

Settle down again. Pull covers up. Pain.

Try to relax.

Not . . . going . . . to  . . . be  . . . sick.
Willpower.
Stay in bed.
Not going to be sick.
Pain.

Start to drift off.
Cat meows.
Cat won't shut up.
Husband quiets cat.

Pain.  Stabbing in my eye. Move icepack.

Finally escape to sleep.

Not a real sleep. Not a restful sleep.
A state of unconscious blackness. A deep, dark place. It swallows me whole and consumes me. Never want to leave.

Baby crying. Nap is over.

Sit up to get baby. Pain. Tears roll down my face.

Stand up. Wobble. Hold nightstand.

Toddle to bathroom. Stomach heaves.

Wash face.

Trudge upstairs to get baby.

His sweet face makes everything worthwhile.
Smile. Coo. Change diaper. Try to pretend I'm ok.
Tears stream. Baby doesn't know.

Take baby downstairs. Make bottle. Load car.

Thank husband.
(Without him I would never survive these days.)

Pain stabs my every move.

Drive to preschool. Pick up 4 kids. Smile at teachers. Make small talk. Load kids, and lunches, and backpacks.

Drive to loud, brightly lit, obnoxious hair salon. Wish for a spa. Remember promise to kids regarding hair salon. Drag self from car. Unload baby. Unload kids. More pain. More tears. Manage to keep it together to go inside.

Kids have a blast. I try to survive the experience. Wish for an out of body experience.

Finally leave.

Load kids. Load baby. Get in car and cry. Pain, nausea, exhaustion, overwhelmed.

Explain to 4 year old why I am crying. "Mommy doesn't feel good."  She suggests that we go to the doctor. Thank 4 year old for her concern.

Drive to botanic garden for preschool class.  Pain.

Spend an hour outside in brightly lit noisy place with large group of preschoolers. Try to make small talk with other moms. Feed baby bottle. Baby does not want to be put down. Thank nice garden club ladies for doing crafts with my kids. Receive live crickets to take home.

Pain. Take kids to restroom. Go in stall alone to be sick.

Recapture escaped cricket.

Make it to car. Pain. Collect crickets to hold until we get home.

Take niece and nephew home. Hang out with kids and brother-in-law while kids eat suckers I forgot I promised them.

Release crickets in garden.

Make it home. Husband is there with open arms. And dinner. Husband is the best.

Husband puts kids to bed.
Husband tells me to go to bed.
Husband washes bottles and cleans kitchen.

Husband is the best.

Wake up sick at 1am.

Husband gets fresh ice pack.

Cry myself back to sleep trying to escape the pain.
It won't leave.
Can't sleep.

Write blog post.

If you've never experienced a migraine, please understand that is has been miscategorized as a headache.  It is not an "ache in the head." It is an all consuming full body pain. It includes the feeling of being stabbed in the eye repeatedly. And the forehead. And the neck. And the aches of the flu. And bloating, gas, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and heartburn. It comes with a level of hormone/emotional disturbance that makes you cranky, and weepy, and irritable, and confused. The visual disturbances are scary. The level of exhaustion compares to what I assume you feel after running a marathon then taking a sedative - you can't snap out of it. And it sometimes lasts for days. The pain comes in waves, with periods so intense that moving is out of the question and periods that it might be just a headache, but it never really leaves. There is no relief until it runs its course.

If it weren't for the love and support of my family, I'd never get through these days. From my children's sweet compassion to the purring cat in my lap, almost everyone who knows me has been touched by my migraines.  I fear 'migraine days.' I never know what they will ruin.

My husband deserves better. He deserves a wife who can keep up with her chores. Who can take care of the kids. Who doesn't fall apart emotionally. Who isn't constantly being sick. He didn't sign up for this. He signed up for a wife who could hold her end of the bargain. Who could cover his weaknesses with her strength. Who could help make him a better man.

LOVE. He loves me. Even when my speech comes in bursts and pieces because the pain makes it too hard to think of the words. He's there for me. His strong arms wrap around me and he tells me that it will be ok. I apologize - he shushes me. He says that this is the 'for worse' part. I never knew what love meant until I had a husband and migraines. 

Life isn't always pretty, but being able to celebrate the good and the bad, and share all those moments with the ones you love is what's truly important in life. So let go of the 'perfect life' images and enjoy all of what life has to offer. You will find good in the bad and bad in the good, so celebrate it all - together with those who mean the most to you.