Why I think phonebooks should be illegal . . . and other rambling thoughts on direct marketing.
Imagine this:
If I were to go write down a bunch of random but useful information, then make tons of copies of it and go around throwing it on people's lawns, what do you think would happen? I'd probably get arrested for littering. Maybe a fine? Required to clean it up? At best I'd just get some funny looks from people whose pristine lawns I was desecrating. However, I am willing to bet that not one person would run up to me, hug me, and profusely thank me for providing them with a written copy of directions for how to boil an egg or the formula to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius.
But wait? Why not? This is good stuff here. Really important useful information that you might actually need or want. I'm providing a public service. And I'm doing it for free. Why would anyone not be thrilled to get my book of random knowledge?
Google? Did you say Google? You mean that no one wants my aggregated collection of marginally useful information because it's all already available (for free) in the palm of your hand? No one wants to use the index and flip the pages to locate minutia when the modern method does not even require touching an electronic device thanks to voice activated search engines?
. . . well, you do have a point there.
But how about if people can pay extra to place really important information in my book? Then would people want it? You know, like math teachers could pay me to include the multiplication tables. Psychologists could purchase space for Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Stay at home moms could pool their money to sponsor a "Hints from Heloise" section. That way everyone could be sure to get what they really wanted in my exceptional book. (And as an aside, I could make money on my free service by selling the pages.) This plan should dramatically improve my contents, thus increasing the demand for my product.
What's that you say? Still no one wants it? But why? You don't have to do anything to get it. I will sell the space (collect money!), print it, make copies of it in my living room on a discarded but somewhat functional retired office copier, and then distribute it right to you. I'll come by at an inconvenient time and fling it in the general direction of your home. If you're lucky, it will land on the porch and not wake your sleeping baby with it's grandiose thud. If not, well, I'm sure you can get it out of that tree with a stepladder, right? It's ok if you're not home, it will be there waiting for you, leaking ink onto your sidewalk when you get back from your vacation. I'm sure no one will notice that you haven't picked it up yet and thus decide to rob your house while you are away. Hopefully the neighbors will be kind enough to leave it for you and not choose to have a second copy for themselves.
When you do find it, it will be all yours. Yours to take into your home, open, and enjoy. If you don't want it, you will have the privilege of disposing of it as you see fit. You can throw it away (yay landfills), recycle it (yes, you have to purchase a special trash bag for that), or donate it to a friend (I'm sure they will want it). If you happen to live in a location where trash collection is limited and you garbage man is a jerk who will only pick up what is in the can and if the lid is not 100% closed will not collect the trash at all, then I suggest that you go buy the recycle bags. If you don't want to pay for the pleasure of disposing of my book yourself, you can always burn it . . . just check for burn bans first.
Don't worry if you need another book. See I'm not the only person who produces these books. There are lots of companies who do it - some produce smaller local books, some produce Christian books, some produce books with colored pages. They will all be arriving unbidden on your doorstep (well, at least somewhat near it). Each comes out several times a year with new updates, so you will have no shortage of these opportunities.
Some companies don't make books, they just do flyers. That way they can hang them on your door for you. They can rubber band, tape, glue, staple, or otherwise adhere them to your expensive front door with no worries about damage caused to it, because they know that the valuable information they provide is clearly worth it to you. They can also just stuff it in your mailbox along with all the other junk in there. Maybe you won't notice.
You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I want to do more for the community than just distribute knowledge. I have so much to give that I think I'll share everything I can. I'm going to load up my whole car and get started. I'll take these used but still in good shape socks and just place them in everyone's mailboxes. I think people will really like that surprise. I have on old dining table too. I'll put that in front of someone's garage in case they need it. That mostly empty bottle of shampoo still has some left in it. I'll leave it by the pool at the park for people to wash with. Last night's dinner leftovers, I bet my coworker will love it if I leave them on his desk. Man, if everyone did this wouldn't the world be a wonderful place?
Hmmm . . . ? You think that maybe I should just let people get what they want at a garage sale or thrift store? You think that distributing something to everyone whether or not they want it is a bad idea? You think that forcing people to have to dispose of something I gave them is an unnecessary waste of time and money? You think that they might just prefer to use the internet?? I'm providing a valuable public service here!
Some people just don't get it . . .
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